If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I believe in your delicious
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
