nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
