I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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