im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
