I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
