You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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