I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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