just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
We got so high we made milksteak
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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