I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
