Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
