i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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