Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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