I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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