I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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