I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
