mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
