i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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