did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
