Can Purell be used as lube?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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