capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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