Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
