WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
