I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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