i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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