and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
