just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
