I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
