Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
