Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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