Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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