you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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