If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
