he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
