i was born a porn star she said
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
