Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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