Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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