I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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