i barfeds in our rink
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
