Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize