Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
