So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
