she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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