What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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