Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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