it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
