We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
