I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
