i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
