Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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