Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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