Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
