Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
