i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
