Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
